Drowned thoughts & dreams

My mind is tired. I’ve been bombarding it with an endless stream of information and busy work this past week. I can barely focus, let alone put to words what I want to say. I’m missing silence. Calm. Let my thoughts surface for a bit.

Last night, before sleep took me, I imagined a scene that brought me to tears.

A man, in his final moments, asks a person very dear to simply join him as he sits on the street, watching the setting sun. And maybe they’d talk, maybe they’d remain quiet. And he’d take her hand and hold it tight for the first time. Her head would rest on his shoulder as she supports him. Time would pass and the air would cool down. His hand would lose strength. A passerby would stop and ask if everything was alright. “He’s dead,” she’d say.

A part of me can’t help but think that this is perhaps for the best. Drown my mind with information and endless mind-numbing activities. Perhaps that’ll make me feel a little less pain from my own thoughts. Stop the thoughts from moving, from existing until all that’s left is only the present.

Another part of me is disgusted at the decay of the mind. At how it things feel ever more difficult as time passes. It complains, demanding better from me. “Think”, it says. But it all feels useless. There is little point in it all.

Sadly it would never happen that way. Either she wouldn’t be there, or he’d never die. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that only then he’d be able to taste something he had craved for a long time.

He told himself to stop romanticizing. Things weren’t going to be how he wanted them to be only because he wished them to be so. Come on, pick yourself up. Tomorrow will come and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s just one more day. Then you’ll get to pretend for a little while and forget.

And just as he went to sleep, he reminded himself of the promises he made years ago.

I feel broken. I feel empty. I feel like a part of me is missing. And trying to get back into EVE Online is both a terrible idea and a perhaps the best thing that I can do. It’s enough like a second job to keep me busy, but I am sure it will also consume me.

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