Today, I talked with the orientation services of my University. The official reason we talked is because I have been questioning whether I want to continue the course (and considering all that would entail) or try my chances at something else.
My thoughts on the matter aside, the conversation was quite interesting. She tried to probe around, in what I guess was an attempt to figure out why I contacted her. I was quite forthcoming with my thoughts on it and why I have been bothered by the process so far and why I believe that it will not change once I get a job. Truth be told, my experience with the course has been going downhill.
We also talked about the situation at home, which I guess it can be summed by: “I feel like I am speaking to your father” (paraphrasing).
Beyond that, we didn’t touch on other subjects much, perhaps because we ran out of time. And, if I am honest, I do not think that I got much out of it. The rational decisions were reinforced throughout the talk by both of us and there was a rather normal lack of consideration towards how I feel about it. A part of it definitely comes from my lack of direction (I don’t know what my options would be, or what other alternatives I could take). There is a part, however, that comes from the expectation that teenagers need to learn to “suck it up” because that is life, completely ignoring the question of whether I would be happy with that choice.
I am aware that it was only an hour, and for anything to come out of it I would have to invest time. The pessimist in me questions whether the effort will be worth. But, like I told her: part of the reason that I am trying is so I can say that I did. Beyond that? Whatever happens.
I watched the last Hunger Games movie on Saturday, the highlight of the week. If you ask me about the movie, it was okay. But I did not go out for the sake of the movie. It was a good excuse to hang out with friends. Having watched all the other three movies together, it was only right we did so for this one.
So we drove to the mall, the newly acquired licenses (or to be acquired) being the conversation subject throughout most of the trip. How each cars differed from each other, or what the experience of driving was overall. It was new for me to hear people who just learned how to drive talk about it. I don’t, and I only ever heard people who have been driving for a long time talk about it.
We chatted, caught up on our lives when we weren’t watching the movies, had fun and drove back. It was an enjoyable afternoon.
Oh! And I got to try out a small bag I bought a few weeks ago! Lovely thing.
Last week was rather long. I’m sure this week will prove to be as long. And probably the next one, as some tests will come along the way. But I will make it. I’ve done as much so far. I don’t expect things to change.
Overall it has been slow for me. At least, I’ve slipped into that wonderful state of resignation where I merely shut up and work, slowly wearing myself down. It certainly doesn’t help that I prefer to work during late nights if I can, so the pressure brought by a looming deadline has been the perfect excuse for some late-night work.
But even if I wished to sleep at decent hours, I know my mind would wander around, distracted by both University and other worries. I can’t remember the last time that I went to bed and was relatively calm. I keep hoping that my sister finds a job. I keep obsessing over a trip I want to take. I keep thinking about money. I keep thinking about myself and about what I want to do.
If it wasn’t because I am stubborn and am not willing to budge on some things, I am sure I would have put my weekend activities on hold until Christmas break.
On the bright side, my sister and I made a tasty cheesecake!
PS: It feels wrong to not mention the recent news, even if I don’t hold particularly strong opinions about the subject matter (other things to worry about, etc.). And a part of me feels that it is a bit odd to write about my personal life when it feels so trivial in comparison.
There are still empty pages to be filled and things to be told. There is still ink to be used.
It’s not time to rest, yet.