Who am I?

I’ve never known how to answer this question, yet it is the one I have been thought about for the longest time. What do I want to pursue in university? What do I want to do for a living? Where do I want to go? What do I want to visit? How do I want to present? How do I want to dress? What do I want to learn about? What is acceptable to me?

These are all questions I have asked myself and that I haven’t been sure how to answer. Often, I feel paralyzed by choice. I know too little – experienced too little – to even begin to decide. I don’t know what I like. And I don’t know what I don’t like. I don’t dislike things. At least, not strongly. Often, it’s just this indistinct feeling of apathy. I could do it, I tell myself, and forget that maybe I should focus on what I am passionate about. Maybe.

Other times, I don’t even know there are options available that I could try as I have become so risk-averse I just never was in a position to be exposed to things. I’m afraid to meet people. Afraid to take an offer. Anxious just by the thought of talking to somebody, or sending an e-mail. Even now, writing this required me to set myself a deadline and distract myself enough so I can’t overthink what I’m trying to express.

Truth be told. I am a mess. A mess that does not know itself. Inexperienced. But there is something else in there that I know about. A small piece of idealism that I cling to with all my strength. It is a belief about people. More importantly, a belief about myself.

People can change. I can change.

I can improve. Learn. Experience. Become a better version of myself. I am not frozen in time, and the person that I will be in a year will, hopefully, not be the same person I am now. I will learn, change myself and hopefully be a better version of myself.

I can only hope, one day, I will look back and be proud of how far I have gone. In the meantime, I can only do my best.

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