I am…

I have always had trouble answering who I am. Never quite sure, a grey mass seemingly full of possibilities. But not knowing who I am is not good enough anymore. As part of the work I’ve been doing with a therapist, I was asked to write about who I am.

I have always had trouble answering who I am. Never quite sure, a grey mass seemingly full of possibilities. But not knowing who I am is not good enough anymore. As part of the work I’ve been doing with a therapist, I was asked to write about who I am.

I’m proud. I want to do my best and feel proud of my work. I might have reservations, or inner conflicts, but at the very least I want to feel like I did my best, and have something to show for it. This is not to say that I don’t get tired, or disagree with whatever I’m doing and might not put in one hundred percent on something, which has happened and feels wrong, but I also can’t just separate myself rather easily. For example, I wasn’t too keen on helping my sister’s boyfriend with something, but on the other hand I don’t want to mess up – I want it to be done well and to work, regardless of how I feel. It’d be a betrayal of who I am otherwise.

Likewise, I don’t believe I have the spaces to share those moments when I feel proud of my achievements. Part of it is that I don’t feel like my family is that interested in what I do (I am sure some of this is in my head). On the other hand, I never built relationships related to those interests. Too scared, or lazy, or anxious, or whatever to invest in communities. In the end, I end up redirecting some of this to some who aren’t particularly interested in the subject and getting, at best, a lukewarm reaction. And I don’t blame them. I don’t want them to fake interest.

Instead, I try to celebrate on my own. Let myself be happy. These moments are precious, after all, and it doesn’t matter if I don’t have anybody to share them with. They are still important for me, and that’s what matters. But. This shouldn’t be an excuse to put off looking for places to belong, to find people I identify with and can share who I am.

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