I have always had trouble answering who I am. Never quite sure, a grey mass seemingly full of possibilities. But not knowing who I am is not good enough anymore. As part of the work I’ve been doing with a therapist, I was asked to write about who I am.
I like complex systems. They fill my mind as I try to figure out how each part of it interacts with the other. What actually happens if I press this button? With that question I often just get lost in thought for a few minutes. Useful when I want to know why something isn’t working, but often overwhelming when there is just too much. I try to take it all in and it dominates thought until my mind blanks, crashing back to reality.
Sometimes, when I’m just waiting for something to happen, my mind wanders. This shadow I see, how did it come to be? What about the flow of that river? How does the water behave? Or the flow of air over surfaces as cars go as fast as possible on a track? The world itself is often just overwhelming on its own as I try to apply what little knowledge I have to understanding what is happening now. Sorry, I got distracted. What were you saying again?
Focusing for longer often requires me to be engaged fully, my mind busy with the task at hand. Racing, even if in a simulation from the confort of my home, provides that. Remember the track, watch the speed, who’s ahead, is there anybody by my side, did I leave enough space, repeat. What little room there is for much else isn’t enough to distract me. And it isn’t just racing. Video games in general provide that. It perhaps explains why I’ve been bouncing from slower experiences that just don’t engage me in. My mind wanders and loses track of what’s going on, the story losing its magic.
Sadly, I don’t have that much control over it. How I wish I didn’t get overwhelmed in large groups as I try to keep track of every conversation happening. Or perhaps that I could enjoy light-hearted, simple stories without the need to be doing something else to the point of distraction. But it is something I have an idea how to manage. I had to learn to be able function.