adulthood

I used to believe once we reached adulthood, things would change. We’d be afforded the responsibility of taking our own decision and discovering our own path. I thought, naively, we’d live the shadow of those that came before to, perhaps, become ourselves. Instead, I have had to realize adulthood merely means being aware that there is no such thing. There isn’t some magical change once some imaginary line was crossed, and other certainly won’t. We won’t stop liking what we did. We won’t suddenly understand concepts that never made sense before. Nor will idealism just die – it’ll just be tempered, slowly, by experience.

But, perhaps more tragically, those who were supposed to prepare us for it will either dump us before we are ready, or never let go of the power their position as parents afford them.

A few days ago, a friend told me their father had threatened them with physical violence. I was angry. Livid. I wanted to tell them to not accept it. To set strong boundaries and enforce them. To leave, for it isn’t right to hit on your own child. Much less so for an authority figure, such as a policeman, to do so. But the parents are paying for their education, and while they’d be able to find a job quickly, none would allow them to escape the sphere of influence their parents have. I stayed quiet. I listened.

I’d love to think, given we’re long past being considered legal adults now, our parents would treat us as such. But, in their case, as long as they live under their parents roof, they’ll still be treated as they were. Only distance and independence will allow for a shift in perspective. But I fear their fathers behavior, and their mothers – which follows the same vein – isn’t really about seeing a child, but instead merely somebody they can inflict their will over, presented as parenting, empowered by their status as providers.

My disillusion is further compounded by blatant displays of emotional manipulation over another friend as a means of maintaining whatever control they can over them. Calling them a whore for going out with old friends on a vacation. But, above all, is just how little options there are that don’t involve derailing whatever shot at a decent future they might have. It pains me all I can even think of boils down to “keep your head down” in hopes that a job might provide a key to freedom.

Parents aren’t a special kind of adult that magically makes them a good person, just one who legally holds power over their children. And some decide to abuse that. But being an adult is also accepting that sometimes, there isn’t anything else we can do but to endure and provide a shoulder to those who suffer.

Dreams…

A little trip to the land where everything is possible and dreams come true. A little evening with nothing but a friend and and a smile that grew. I come back with memories, the ones that fade with time. But the journey is worth, lighting the fires of hope once more.

Happy 2015’s winter holiday

This was a long year marked with precious moments and a long journey. Things change, slowly. Plans are made from the failures and sucesses we have had so far. Still, it is holiday season. The perfect time to sit down, breathe in, and relax for a little while.

Happy holidays!

Last night, I told to myself: “you are going to pay for doing this to yourself”. It was another late night working on what needs to be done. Slightly unavoidable, considering the deadlines were looming over us. But I don’t think I’ve felt that tired in a while. The days of not-really resting are slowly piling up. Just two more weeks. I tell myself that. It makes it easier to get on with my day, to at least see the end for just one thing.

On the bright side, my mother picked up a stray dog during the weekend. After a bath and a good meal, he seemed happier. And, every time this happens I wish that I had enough money to have my own animal shelter. I know that my mother would be happy treating and taking care of stray animals. Maybe even finding them a good home for them. But, for now, just doing some good for one or two is good enough.

A Talk

Today, I talked with the orientation services of my University. The official reason we talked is because I have been questioning whether I want to continue the course (and considering all that would entail) or try my chances at something else.

My thoughts on the matter aside, the conversation was quite interesting. She tried to probe around, in what I guess was an attempt to figure out why I contacted her. I was quite forthcoming with my thoughts on it and why I have been bothered by the process so far and why I believe that it will not change once I get a job. Truth be told, my experience with the course has been going downhill.

We also talked about the situation at home, which I guess it can be summed by: “I feel like I am speaking to your father” (paraphrasing).

Beyond that, we didn’t touch on other subjects much, perhaps because we ran out of time. And, if I am honest, I do not think that I got much out of it. The rational decisions were reinforced throughout the talk by both of us and there was a rather normal lack of consideration towards how I feel about it. A part of it definitely comes from my lack of direction (I don’t know what my options would be, or what other alternatives I could take). There is a part, however, that comes from the expectation that teenagers need to learn to “suck it up” because that is life, completely ignoring the question of whether I would be happy with that choice.

I am aware that it was only an hour, and for anything to come out of it I would have to invest time. The pessimist in me questions whether the effort will be worth. But, like I told her: part of the reason that I am trying is so I can say that I did. Beyond that? Whatever happens.

An excuse to hang out with friends

I watched the last Hunger Games movie on Saturday, the highlight of the week. If you ask me about the movie, it was okay. But I did not go out for the sake of the movie. It was a good excuse to hang out with friends. Having watched all the other three movies together, it was only right we did so for this one.

So we drove to the mall, the newly acquired licenses (or to be acquired) being the conversation subject throughout most of the trip. How each cars differed from each other, or what the experience of driving was overall. It was new for me to hear people who just learned how to drive talk about it. I don’t, and I only ever heard people who have been driving for a long time talk about it.

We chatted, caught up on our lives when we weren’t watching the movies, had fun and drove back. It was an enjoyable afternoon.

Oh! And I got to try out a small bag I bought a few weeks ago! Lovely thing.

… but I had cheesecake

Last week was rather long. I’m sure this week will prove to be as long. And probably the next one, as some tests will come along the way. But I will make it. I’ve done as much so far. I don’t expect things to change.

Overall it has been slow for me. At least, I’ve slipped into that wonderful state of resignation where I merely shut up and work, slowly wearing myself down. It certainly doesn’t help that I prefer to work during late nights if I can, so the pressure brought by a looming deadline has been the perfect excuse for some late-night work.

But even if I wished to sleep at decent hours, I know my mind would wander around, distracted by both University and other worries. I can’t remember the last time that I went to bed and was relatively calm. I keep hoping that my sister finds a job. I keep obsessing over a trip I want to take. I keep thinking about money. I keep thinking about myself and about what I want to do.

If it wasn’t because I am stubborn and am not willing to budge on some things, I am sure I would have put my weekend activities on hold until Christmas break.

On the bright side, my sister and I made a tasty cheesecake!

PS: It feels wrong to not mention the recent news, even if I don’t hold particularly strong opinions about the subject matter (other things to worry about, etc.). And a part of me feels that it is a bit odd to write about my personal life when it feels so trivial in comparison.

Happy Halloween!

And a happy end of October!

It’s been a long month, with challenges along the way. I can only find relief in the thought that I am closer to my objectives. Everything seems closer, and I know that as much as it may be difficult, I need to keep going.

But. Nice things have happened this month and it is only right that I focus on those, even if only for a few moments. I am now much more certain that I will be travelling in February, which has me very excited. I made some cookies this month (they were great) and today I made a chocolate cake (currently in the over). I had a nice one-on-one conversation with an acquaintance, who I hadn’t talked to in a long time.

And I rediscovered the joy of reading. Devoured The Martian and recently finished Akarnae. Currently reading The Magicians’ Guild. Being lost in another world for a few hours, without feeling like it’s a chore. To forget of myself for a little while…

Ah… With that, October, I must bid you good bye. And for everyone else:

I won’t lie. During the last two days, I mostly read Akarnae. It’s a nice little YA book which proved to be entertaining enough despite some issues I had with it, and it is rather nice to have something to keep my mind busy. It’s nice – comforting even – to be able to do this once again. It’s hard to not be excited when it feels like I have found (again) something that might make life more bearable as I deal with the less pleasant sides of it.

Beyond that, yesterday I went out to hang out with somebody. Told myself that I was going to try, even if so I could say that I did. Truth be told, it was nice having a one-on-one conversation even if I felt like I was terrible at it. Not having to worry about forcing my way into conversation, lest everybody just talks over me, nor the frantic pace conversation usually takes when there are more people involved. It felt pleasant, unlike many other interactions I have had before.

I don’t believe much will change, however. It’ll merely complement my current life as it is, and maybe prove to myself that I can, even if in my own, clumsy way. But that will be okay. I know I won’t regret it, and that is what matters.

Burn

The fire consumes the page, slowly destroying its contents forever. A blasphemy. Yet… I put another one. I haven’t burned enough yet. There are still things that must be forgotten. Memories that nobody must know. Stories that must be lost in the sands of time.

Another page burns. Not as an attempt to erase the past, but as an attempt to forget. To forge something new, unfettered from any mistake.

You are supposed to grow from your mistakes, to learn from them and become a better version of yourself. And, slowly, the transformation will happen, perfecting the imperfect. That is why it is important to not lose sight of where we came from. Otherwise how would we stop ourselves from repeating the past?

Yet sometimes the past becomes crippling. Acceptance is supposed to be freeing, but instead it feels like giving up. The fear of others finding about it becomes paralyzing. The certainty that it’s not going to merely go away. If only I could make it disappear… or at least detach myself from it. Make it about somebody else. Somebody who I am not anymore.

Or, at least, I hope to distance myself enough to stand tall. To be able to interact without the fear of failing once again, even if deep inside it is all still there, locked up in a cage far away from everybody. To pretend, even if it is a lie, that I am normal, that there are no shackles and no scars.

That I might be worthy of love.

And for that, I burn with a cleansing fire.